I just ran across an article about the world’s oldest sports manual.  Columbia University researchers found a wrestling  instructional manual in Egypt dating back to 200 A.D.  It  mentions some of the moves still used in wrestling today like a headlock and underhooks.  However, I don’t think researchers took a close enough look at the document.

I think it is missing several key elements that makes wrestling great:

1) Ring girls.  Let’s be honest.  One of the main reasons to watch wrestling is to see the girls in bathing suits holding up numbers telling us what round we’re about to watch.

2) Costumes.  Whether it’s a crazy mask or a boa or shorts that are just a little too tight, every good wrestler has an outfit.

3) Swagger.  Hulk Hogan is not great because he can wrestle.  He’s awesome because he can rip his own shirt off his chest quickly.

4) Endorsements.  I would have never had the urge to buy a Slim Jim at the gas station without the help of the late Macho Man Randy Savage.  This commercial has to make the original creators of wrestling proud.

Dying is easy, comedy is hard — George Bernard Shaw’s last words.   Writing or saying something funny is really tough to do.  Every morning Kitty and I will find stories and sometimes we come up with something funny to say, but other times…not so much.  I used to get mad that I couldn’t think of something funny to say each and every time.

Not anymore.

This morning we chatted with Saturday Night Live’s head writer and Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers.  He’s coming to Madison tomorrow to perform stand-up at the Barrymore theatre.  I asked him how many people are writing jokes for the Weekend Update segment.  He told me he works with 3 other writers and they come up with about 500 jokes for the show and only about 15 of them are actually used.

I know he was exaggerating, but I’m sure it’s still a lot of jokes.  And let’s be honest, not even all the jokes that do make it on the show are funny.

Wow.  I guess this job is harder than I thought.  Somehow that makes me feel better.

Listen to the interview here:

I recently saw an article about the new stadium the Florida Marlins will call home starting next baseball season.  It is pretty spiffy and you don’t even have to like baseball.  One of the articles I saw says the park will have a beach and swimming pool named La Playa.

Yes.  There will be an actual beach at the ballpark.  There will be a huge food court as well as shop and other things to do besides watching baseball.  It sounds to me like baseball is just one of the stops in the massive entertainment complex.

In fact, you don’t even really ever have to watch the game at all.  You can go hang out on the beach, go shopping and then stay in one of the hotel rooms in the park and never even get close to the game.

Honestly, it’s a little sad.  Baseball is still my favorite sport, but I understand some people find it boring.  But maybe we don’t need those people at the ballpark.  I understand the idea is to get more people to the park and even if they don’t watch the game, they still spend money and keep baseball alive for the purists like me who actually want to WATCH THE GAME.    I’m starting to feel like baseball is that lame movie at the multiplex cinema that is shown once a night at 9:30pm in the smallest theatre possible.

Do you think there will be a day when they create distractions for the actual ballplayers and coaches so they’re not too bored from the game.  I can see it now:

Announcer:  “There’s a fly ball to left field.  Left fielder Jeff Jones is there, but he’s playing a game of skeet ball for tickets which he can redeem for prizes at the indoor carnival.  I guess he won’t be able to catch that ball.”

One more thing,  the Marlins’ park will also have twin 600 gallon saltwater aquariums on both sides of the backstop.   Don’t worry the fish will be protected by bulletproof glass from foul balls, but there may be a bigger problem.   The designers better think about creating some distractions for the fish!  They’re located right on the field and might be bored to death if they actually have to pay attention to the game!

I was never really athletic as a kid.  I’m not exactly sure why.  I’m on the short side, but I probably still could have played something.   I didn’t participate in any organized sports.  Actually, I was in a bowling league in junior high and high school which solidifies the fact that I didn’t take part in any organized sport as a kid.

I did join a kickball league here in Madison a few years ago, but would often feel pressure when those towering fly balls would come my way.  However, I’ve found a sport that I think is right up my ally.

Pickleball.

I talked about it on the air this morning and some listeners did play it in high school.  However, it appears to be more of a game for those around 10 years old or 80 years old.  I think I’ve found my niche.  I may not be athletic, but I think I could still put up a pretty good showing against those two age groups.

Basically Pickleball is sort of like tennis, but you use wiffle balls, ping pong-like racquets and the nets are smaller.  It’s called Pickleball because they guy who invented it had a dog named Pickle that would chase after the ball.

I am dialed in and ready to play.  Now I just have to cruise the old folks homes and elementary schools looking for a team!

Are you familiar with Madison musician Lucas Cates?  He’s been making music for several years and touring with his band all around the country.  One of my favorite songs is 4everytime from an early album called Contradictory.  Along with some real talent and a great attitude, Lucas looks a lot like Green Bay Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Although, I’m a Chicago Bears fan I have to admit I love this video.  Check it out:

It’s refreshing to read about someone who has become famous, but not crazy.  The latest issue of British Vogue has a cover story about singer Adele.  Her latest album “21″ has been selling like crazy.  She’s touring the world and has millions of adoring fans, but appears to remain calm.

Lady Gaga has talent but also has a lot of “extras” when it comes to her image.  Adele is the complete opposite. She isn’t big on costumes or changing her look for the stage.   Here are some highlights of the interview provided by the website Just Jared that prove you can rocket into stardom, but still remain grounded.

• On her weight: “I’ve seen people where it rules their lives, you know, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down. And I just don’t want that in my life.”
• On pre-show jitters: “I puke quite a lot before going on stage. Though never actually on stage.”
• On the pressures to look a certain way: “It’s just never been an issue—at least, I’ve never hung out with the sort of horrible people who make it an issue. I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”
• On having kids one day: “Most of my friends are boys. Like, if I ever have children, I want five boys. Boys love their mothers whereas girls can be so mean to each other.”

Amazing.  She actually appears to “get it” at the ripe old age of 23. One more thing, she can really sing.

(Washington DC) – President Barack Obama’s speech to a joint session of Congress on Thursday isn’t really about job creation.

“America!  Are you ready for some football?!” is all the President really wants to say, according to Chief of Staff Bill Daley.  “He is really psyched up about this season.  He was very disappointed the Chicago White Sox crapped out and expects big things from the Bears,” Daley said.

Many expect the President to talk about the sagging economy and high unemployment while addressing Congress on Thursday prior to the start the first NFL regular season game between the Green Bay Packers and the New Orleans Saints.  Obama had originally wanted to address Congress on Wednesday but was denied by Speaker of the House John Boehner.   Many thought Boehner made the move because of a debate between Republican candidates for President scheduled for that night.

However, Boehner said it was simply because he had already slated Wednesday  night to catch up on Tosh.0 and Wipeout.

“Those shows are so funny they make my cry,” said Boehner.

Meanwhile, the President seems pleased he will be the intro into Thursday Night Football.  Daley says the plan is quite simple.  “The President will walk into the House of Representatives and shaking hands with members of both parties while making his way to the podium .  He then plans on giving both Senator Mary Landrieu of Louisiana and Senator Herb Kohl a high-five,” Daley said.

“He’ll probably do a little end-zone type of dance and then ask the crowd if they’re ready for some football,” Daley continued, “and then he’ll look right at the camera and say ‘Hey Green Bay F-U!’”

Experts think the move will improve Obama’s poll ratings, except in Wisconsin.

Former President George Bush Has One Complaint About New Dick Cheney Book

(Dallas) In an exclusive interview with Triple M morning show host Jonathan Suttin, former President George W. Bush says he has one simple complaint about Dick Cheney’s new book entitled In My Time.

“There really should be a lot more pictures.  In fact, I wouldn’t mind if there were a few pop-up sections in the book.  You know,  like in that goat book I was reading the kids back on 9/11,” said the former leader of the free world.

When asked if he was upset with the way Cheney painted Former Secretaries Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, Bush simply said, “I didn’t really get that far in the book.  It’s 576 pages!  Come on, man!  What are you my school teacher?!”

Can you hear that?

It’s the collect sigh of kids in the Madison school district as summer is coming to a close.  School starts again tomorrow so it’s the last night of summer.  Actually, tonight is a school night.  So I guess summer really ended for those kids yesterday.

I always remember at the beginning of summer thinking about how much time I had and how there were so many things I wanted to do.  Each year the summer went by too quickly and I always had a some regret that I didn’t do more.  Why didn’t I get in one more bike ride or one more game of softball or maybe just one more dip in the pool.

I think this tends to be true with a lot of things we do in life.  We always look back and wish we did more.  I’m not sure we ever really feel fully satisfied.  Maybe that’s a good thing.  After all, if we got everything we wanted there would be no reason to look forward to anything.

Who am I kidding?  The “we wouldn’t have anything to look forward to” speech is probably falling on deaf ears for those who are under 18 years old.

I’ve always thought all of us who love sports are a little irrational and superstitious.  Do you have a “lucky” jersey you wear for every Packers game?  Do you have to eat the same snack during every Badger game?  Do you only get another beer when the Brewers are playing defense because you think it brings them luck?

I stopped doing those things because I now know that standing in a certain part of the room or wearing a special hat has ABSOLUTELY NO IMPACT ON THE GAME.

I thought I had really gotten over those irrational thoughts, but I guess I still have a little work to do.

I saw an article about a group called AccuScore.  Here’s the description from the article of what they do:

AccuScore provides baseball predictions and projections by calculating the precise probability teams have of winning each game, their division, and making the playoffs. Using projected starting lineups, baseball predictions are created by simulating each game of the season, one play at a time, up to 10,000 to 20,000 times.

In other words, they can give you a pretty good idea what teams will make the playoffs.  This season my beloved White Sox have had some struggles to say the least.  There are times where the team looks great, but then suddenly they fall flat again.  I’ve written off the team several times this year only to be sucked back into it when they start doing well.  This past weekend the White Sox swept the Mariners and now stand in second place.  I’ve fooled myself once again thinking they have a chance to win the division.  My heart says it’s still possible.  What does AccuScore say?  They say the White Sox have a 4.9% chance of making the playoffs.

But maybe math is wrong?  Maybe the White Sox will go on a tear and make the playoffs.  I better go get my lucky sweatshirt and wear it until the end of the season.