I came across a news story today that says the historic Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee has selected its 3rd narrator.

I’ve heard of bellhops and chambermaids, but what’s this all about?

Apparently the hotel hires somebody to hang out at the hotel and blog about it at least twice a week for $1000 a month. Now I blog more often than that..and I do it for love, not money. But I could be persuaded to change my tune.

The new “narrator” is a guy named Ed Makowski who will hang out in the lobby and interview visitors and guests and share their experiences on the hotel’s website.  He says he looks forward to get to know the “rhythm and spirit” of the hotel and its employees and guests. Interesting that he used the word “spirit” because the place is supposed to be haunted!

Now it’s been years since I stayed at the Pfister, but I have stayed at a lot of Days Inns and Super 8s, and I would love to be the narrator for a place like that.

“So what brings you to the Days Inn? Did you enjoy the complimentary shampoo and conditioner?”

Oh I’d have so many questions! “Could I interest you in a waffle as part of a balanced hotel lobby continental breakfast?”

I could show empathy too. “I’m sorry we are out of orange juice for this morning. Perhaps if you asked for a wake-up call you would have been here in time.”

I could even write haiku poetry about my experiences. Eat that, Ed Makowski.

Grounds in my coffee

A hotel safe goes unused

Checkout is at noon

Since it’s Halloween season, I thought I’d take a moment to talk about how dolls scare the heck out of me.

In particular, it’s dolls with teeth that scare me…the ones made of bisque or porcelain that have tiny lifelike teeth. Flea markets and antique stores are filled with them…and they always freak me out.

It may have something to so with an episode of Night Gallery in which “a hideous doll comes to life and becomes an agent of revenge.”

Night Gallery Doll

I’m not afraid of Barbies, or Cabbage Patch dolls, or Raggedy Ann and Andy.

Just antique dolls. Extra creepy if they’re cracked or broken. Or dusty. Or partially melted.

However, this doll that was sold in the 1960’s might be the scariest of them all. Do not watch immediately before bedtime.

Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays. But now it just seems to irritate me!

My biggest gripe: 2nd hand stores like Goodwill and St. Vinnies are so crammed with Halloween stuff that anything that might interest me is probably sitting in a back room somewhere. Not to mention all the thrift store newbies that are getting in my way!

I wasn’t always this way. When I was in my late teens early 20’s, I was all about Halloween, and actually put a lot of thought into my costumes. They didn’t always work out the greatest, but I had fun. When I dressed up as the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, no one quite got it. “Seasick elf?” some one inquired. The ghost of John Lennon didn’t turn out that great either, with somebody rudely saying “you are the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!”

My favorite costume had to be the Cat from Outer Space.

It was based on a character from the musical “Cats,” and it got the outer space theme when my mom and I found some insulated drapery material which we turned inside out, and my mom made me some kind of frock type thing.  The shirt was an old 70’s polyester shirt that my older brother seriously wore..with the collars cut off and stuffed, then used for ears.

One thing I know for sure–you’re not going to find a costume like that at Goodwill!

There’s a report out today that Mick Jagger is getting together with Martin Scorsese to produce a new TV show that will air on HBO.

It reportedly will track the exploits of a “cocaine-fueled record executive in New York City circa 1977,” at a time “when punk, disco and a new form of music called hip-hop collided.”

Okay, I guess he might have some experience in that area, although his buddy Keith Richards may be a bit more qualified.

Now before they settled on that premise for the show, my sources tell me there were others that were rejected. Here are a few of them.

1. “Three’s Company: The Next Generation” Mick Jagger would star as the new Mr. Roper.

2. “Ego Wars” This would pit Mick’s ego against others who also think a whole lot of themselves. Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, Sarah Palin and Brett Favre were all being considered as possible guest stars.

3. “Let’s Rob Mick Jagger.” Some down and out New Yorkers conspire to rob Mick Jagger’s apartment.

4. “Extreme Makeover: Lips Edition” Mick would host a behind the scenes reality program involving the best and the worst from the world of collagen.

5. “Moves Like Jagger” Inspired by the Maroon-5 song, celebrities would try their best to dance like Mick Jagger without falling over laughing.

I was reading the Sunday paper yesterday and being the frugal queen that I am, I was perusing the coupons. One that caught my eye was a coupon to save a dollar on Halloween Play-Doh. Play-Doh for trick or treat? All I can say to that is…BOOO!

While I have nothing against Play-Doh in general, I don’t think this is an appropriate surprise to drop in some one’s trick or treat bag. First of all, you’ll probably only get one (or maybe two), and the amount is so small you probably can’t make anything out of it. Ooh..here’s an awesome one-color Play-Doh snake!  Now where the heck are those Snickers bars?

I suppose there are are other things that are even worse as Halloween gifts. These include fruit, pennies, pencils..or from the completely ironic file..toothbrushes!

Unless of course the toothbrush played the tune to Monster Mash. That would be cool.

So this year the rabbits stayed away from my flowers.  I was so happy I finally found some plants that rabbits weren’t hungry for. My green thumb was twitching with joy.

Note that I say “was twitching.” 

That’s because my flowers and I have a new enemy. The colorful, yet feisty, Japanese beetle.

They’ve all but obliterated a bush in our backyard, and are making swift work of my marigolds.

Apparently there are no good ways to get rid of these pests. I made an attempt to read a brochure on the topic from our friends at the US government, and it made my head spin. The only things I managed to process were that there’s no good pesticide to kill them..but I could try to introduce parasites into the equation.

Where do I go? Parasites ‘R’ Us?

I guess I’ll stick to my current method. Muttering under my breath, and plucking them off the plant and squishing them (with a paper towel), or knocking them off and crushing them with a rock.

I figured I’ve killed around 17 of them so far. That’s a good start, right?

If you’d like to read the exciting government booklet on the topic, click here.

Elvis week wrapped up today in Memphis, with thousands of people coming in from all over the world to pay respects…some dressed in full Elvis regalia.

When I was reading about this year’s tribute, I got to thinking about the folks that are REALLY into Elvis, but don’t necessarily make it to Graceland for his death anniversary.

They just collect a bunch of tacky Elvis crap, and put it on youtube.

Like this guy, Ron.

He seems like a swell person. I’d love to meet him for lunch and a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Or not.

Would some one dare remake Wizard of Oz? How about Casablanca or Shawshank Redemption?

Of course not.

Some classics should not be remade. Remember what happened with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I died a little inside when I saw Johnny Depp’s warped take on Willy Wonka.

That’s why I’m so concerned about another project that Hollywood is destined to ruin. This time it’s a small screen classic, a program that made such a positive impression on so many youthful minds. A program that is beloved to so many..

That’s right, it’s Hong Kong Phooey. Hollywood is remaking the classic 70’s cartoon for an animated big screen feature, tapping none other than Eddie Murphy to play the #1 Super Guy.

Here’s a quote from the producers:

“We could not be happier that Eddie Murphy will star as Phooey. There is no overstating his contributions to cinema, and to such enduring stars of family entertainments such as ‘Shrek’ and ‘Dr. Doolittle.’ We look forward to watching him re-imagine yet another classic character.”

This could not be farther from the truth. Eddie Murphy is no Scatman Cruthers, I can tell you that.

Now if they had Will Smith do the voice, that would be something else entirely.

Have you seen the A&E show Storage Wars? It’s a lot like Pawn Stars and American Pickers, except in this case, treasure hunting entrepreneurs bid on the contents of abandoned storage lockers, without knowing what’s in them. Sometimes they find something cool, but mostly it’s a lot of crap…old shoes, sporting equipment, hangers. But sometimes it’s pay dirt…antiques, vintage guitars, or baseball cards.

Now all those shows like that have several things in common: ridicule, drama, and surprise.

I have an idea for a new show that I think will be a huge hit. It has all of those elements…and more.

DRY CLEANER WARS!

First off, this show will offer the viewer a chance to ridicule and feel better than the person on the show.

VEWER: “They’re paying money to get THAT cleaned? That is the most hideous dress I’ve ever seen….He spilled yellow mustard on that shirt!  Any discriminating person knows the only appropriate condiment is grey poupon.”

The element of drama could be demonstrated in several ways.

For example, this scenario:

CUSTOMER: “Look at this nasty wine stain on my grandma’s wedding dress. Can you get it out?”

DRY CLEANER: “Ooh, that looks like it’s really set in there. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do with that…”

CUSTOMER: “Oh, you’ve got to help me…I’m desperate.”

ANNOUNCER: “Will that wine stain come out? Will Rebecca be able to face her family ever again? Find out, right after this.”

You can feel the tension, I know you can.

But what about surprise? How can we be surprised at the dry cleaner?

That’s easy..all we have to do is dump out the pockets.  “Eww, what the heck is that? I’ve never seen anything like it!  What is it? We’ll tell you, right after this.”

And once this show takes off, which I’m sure it will, I’ve already got a spin-off idea.

CELEBRITY DRY CLEANER WARS.

Dry Cleaner Wars, Celebrity Dry Cleaner Wars, copyright 2011, Kitty Dunn Enterprises.

Pip pip, cheerio!

Cheerios Cereal turns 70 this year, so they’re getting some free birthday publicity. I figure I might as well add to that.

I wasn’t real surprised when I learned that one out of every 8 cereal boxes sold contains Cheerios, because there are just so many different flavors of Cheerios to choose from these days. I was never a fan of the original Cheerios, because they didn’t have nearly enough sugar. But now I’m a fan..especially of the chocolate, fruity, multi-grain, and apple cinnamon varieties.

Some of the old Cheerios commercials were great. One that sticks in my mind had a jingle that went like this:

“Gonna start the day the bright way, the bold way, the get up and go way, gotta get a bowl of them oats. Get a pow, pow, powerful good, good feelin’ with with Cheer-cheer-cheerios.”

I was hoping to find that commercial on youtube so I could share it with you, but to no avail. But I did find this one which is humorous, although before my time. Enjoy.